As anyone who has had a loved one experience such a strong loss knows, the hardest part isn’t just watching them suffer—it’s being completely helpless, knowing there’s nothing you can do to ease their pain.
That crushed me. I knew that I needed to step up and lead, that it was my time to be the “big sister.” And I wanted to. But I didn’t know how. I couldn’t change what had happened. I couldn’t bring Rachel’s spirit back.
I did the only thing that I knew to do—be there, be present. I rarely knew what to say (there was nothing I could say), but I sat with her, in silence, feeling her pain, loving her, hoping that somehow that would be enough.
Rachel did everything she was “supposed” to do after her loss. She went to the grief groups, practiced exercises, read books, and sought help. But grief is a scary, sad, strange path. Nothing seemed to be enough.
I spent a lot of time with her, watching her do the work, hoping that she would find some peace. But Rachel needed something more. The problem was that neither of us knew what that “more” was or how to reach it. Rachel didn’t know how to heal herself, and I didn’t know how to help her.